Address the Elephant in the Room

Address the Elephant in the Room

You can be the world's best communicator, but it won’t matter if the other party's not willing to listen.

There's an elephant in the room, but your boss just can't see it, even if you've told them. In this case, you may need to go back to basics and give feedback on how they receive feedback.

Here's an step-by-step approach to get them into a more receptive mindset.

👓 Step 1 - Understand their perspective

Ask questions to gain insight into how they see their own behavior. It’s probably not the same way you or your team does.

Instead of: “Whenever I give you feedback about how you communicate, you’re dismissive”

Try: “When I last gave you feedback on your communication, how did you feel about it?”

😐 Step 2 - Use neutral language

Want to make someone defensive? Tell them they’re being defensive!

Avoid words that carry negative connotations and place blame.

Instead of: “When I give you feedback, I notice you get defensive.”

Try: “When I give you feedback, I notice that it gets a little tense and it' hard for me to say what's on my mind. I’m curious to know what’s going on for you?”

This framing shows you’re open and not passing judgement.

🤝 Step 3 - Get buy-in on a commitment

Make a request for a specific change in behavior. Frame it as an experiment to come to an agreement.

For example: "Could we try something out? Next time I give you feedback, if you disagree or feel that I'm not seeing the whole picture, could you tell me? I'll agree to really listen and we'll come up with a plan together."

👍 Step 4 - Go positive before negative

Make sure your first feedback is positive. Our bosses tend to give a lot of feedback, but don't get much back, and they need praise too!

Look for evidence they've taken your points onboard and speak up as soon as you notice it.

“When I spoke up today, I noticed you took a breath before responding, and then asked me a question first. It really made me feel heard. Thank you!"

⛏️ Chip away at the brick wall

Now you've laid a solid foundation, you can start turning your attention back to the elephant.

Take your time to build trust by setting an example of how to receive and act on feedback yourself, then slowly bring up more critical feedback.

Eventually you'll begin to chip away at that tough exterior and get to a place of vulnerability where change can happen.